Day 7: The Wilderness as Repentance

This entry has had many false starts. I knew what I wanted to say but each thought only went on for a little bit before losing its way. Everything I wrote felt too rigid, too structured, and I never seemed to end up where I wanted to go. As I sat with the Lord and mulled over today’s Scripture yet again, he made it clear to me that my walk with him has been similar to this process.

Much like writing these words, I’ve had many false starts in my faith. Despite being exposed to God from a young age, there was no life to what I believed. I saw God as a manager of rules and laws, balancing out sins to see if I was “good enough” to make it into heaven. I was embedded in the church and heard the Gospel, yet I spent decades struggling with sexual sin. I was consumed by pornography and eventually committed adultery. I was tearing my life apart, destroying everything I held dear, all while wearing the mask of a “good Christian.”

I was like the Pharisees in Matthew 3. I was in the wilderness, but only to watch other people repent and walk in freedom. I was determined to maintain control, and never truly engage in surrender to the Lord. I was too afraid of what other people might think; I was too afraid of what I might lose. In the wilderness, we have a choice: to idly watch, or to embrace the opportunity to strip away our misconceptions, our false identities, our worldly burdens and come to the Lord in all of our brokenness. It is our chance to repent and turn away from wherever we are headed and turn back to Him.

It is such a gift that our Lord is so patient. After years of watching, self-protecting, making excuses, the weight of my sin became too much to bear. In my darkest, loneliest moments, I finally called out in surrender to the Lord. And He answered. The resulting wilderness was a period of repentance that was so, so hard, but unspeakably fruitful. Everything that I had considered beyond redemption, He washed clean and rebuilt better than before. In every place I thought I had needed to protect myself, He became my defender. I had been afraid of what I would lose, and in all transparency, I lost a lot — my job, many friendships, and for a season, the trust of my wife. But as I learned to genuinely repent, I experienced what John promised in our story in Matthew — the Kingdom of God comes near. It’s on that foundation He built a life more beautiful than I ever dreamt possible.

Is there an area in your life where you are resisting freedom that can come in the wilderness? What might be keeping you from moving forward in surrender and repentance? You are never so far from the Lord that he will not come after you. There is no sin you can repent of that He will not forgive and redeem.


PRAY:
God, thank you for never giving up on me, for the opportunities you give me to enter into the wilderness to be renewed. Bless me with a heart that is quick to repent. Let me never forget that true healing can only come through surrender. Amen.