Day 1: The Wilderness of Grief

“I am a woman deeply troubled.” I so deeply resonate with Hannah’s words. Feeling forgotten. Having so much to be grateful for, and yet there is this one thing I’ve asked the Lord for year after year that often feels like a giant hole in my life. Similar to Hannah, I have longed for the day to have a family and children of my own. And yet, the reality of that dream seems further away than ever. These years have been my own wilderness of waiting. I have learned to carry a consistent grief over not seeing the life I thought I’d have by now. Some days it’s just a lingering reminder of a desire that feels like it’s slipping away, other days it’s overwhelming like I’m being provoked to only see what’s missing in my life instead of all that I have. As much as I try to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus in the waiting, it’s so easy to believe that God is holding out on me, or there is something so broken in me that makes me unworthy of being the wife and mom I once thought I was made to be.

I see a similar grief in Hannah — year after year asking for the Lord’s favor while being provoked until her soul was broken down to the point she wouldn’t even eat. But it didn’t make her run from God, it made her run toward Him. Even in the midst of her despair and anguish, Hannah had faith that God would still come through for her. She poured her soul out to Him in prayer asking God to remember her. When the bible talks about God “remembering,” it’s not that He actually forgot about Hannah. It means He acts on His promise and mercy. And that’s what he does for Hannah. Her son, Samuel, became one of the greatest influential prophets in the Old Testament and honored God his entire life, just as Hannah prayed.

I don’t know why God closed Hannah’s womb and had her walk through this wilderness, just like I don’t know the specifics of why I’m in mine. But I do know that He is faithful through it, He wants us to be close to Him in the midst of it, and we have no idea what greater purposes He might be working through it. The outcome isn’t actually the part of the story that I think is the most meaningful — God cares about our hearts in the process. There was a significant shift that happened in Hannah in that time of prayer. She entered in anguish, and left no longer downcast. In my own waiting, I have learned to fight to hold onto joy along with the grief. It only comes from being with the Lord, laying my soul fully before Him, and surrendering to His will. It takes faith to surrender. It takes trust. And yet, that is also where joy is found. It doesn’t mean the grief goes away. It just means I’m not overwhelmed by it.

My story isn’t over. While there are days it only feels like a tiny mustard seed, I have faith God is still working something out for me. He hasn’t forgotten me. As I’ve leaned more and more into prayer and surrender, I’m starting to feel a shift in my spirit. It’s a familiar one of hope and joy springing up yet again, and faith that God will remember me too. Where is God inviting you to lay your soul before Him? May we, like Hannah, have faith to run to the Father in our own wilderness.

PRAY:
Father, thank you for seeing me in the waiting, for being with me in it. I pray for faith like Hannah. To lay my entire soul before you, to surrender to you. And while my story is still being written, I pray to find joy in the surrender. As I continue to pray, increase my faith for the impossible. Amen.